As I’m trying to figure out what I will do with my life in 4 months, once my year of volunteering in VCS will be over, I find myself doing a lot of self-reflections. 

What am I supposed to do with my life? Why is life so confusing? What is my place in the world? Where do I want to live? Do I see my future in France, or abroad? 

Probably at least one of you already had such thoughts, especially nowadays, as we are exposed to so many options but at the same time confronted with the realities of the current world. And while having so many options for what you can do with your life is nice, it can create a “choice overload”, that is how having too many options can make it harder to make one. 

For me, these questions about my future come up quite regularly and they’re rather anxiety-inducing. Unfortunately, I never was one of those kids that always had a clear idea of what they want to do in life. I remember already being confused about this in primary school, for example. I wish I had evolved to be like one of those kids that have clear life goals, or at least that I would have overcome this struggle of mine by now, sadly for me I’m still at a similar level of uncertainty at almost 23 yo. 

Growing up, I always just went with the flow, seeing the deadline for settling for something new, changing or getting closer each year, always waiting for some kind of revelation. For example, I was really indecisive about what I wanted to study at university. When I finally made up my mind about what I wanted to study, I thought “Okay, now I have a bit more time to figure out what I want to do”. And suddenly I found myself at the end of my bachelor’s still being confused.

I would say I feel a bit ashamed and insecure about knowing that I’m so unsure and conflicted about what I want my future to be like and what I want to do with my life. Whilst I do know that it is normal and that it is most likely a very common feeling that even people who seem sure of their life plan have felt or continue to feel like that. However, I cannot help but feel a bit of shame around this, as if it made me childish. 

I thought that going away for one year and getting out of my comfort zone would be my revelation. Well, now the fact of the matter is that, once again, I find myself not knowing what to do with my life. In some ways, I feel even more confused now, after this year of being abroad. 

Not that I don’t enjoy what I’m doing here, it’s quite the contrary, actually. Indeed, I really do enjoy my current life in Skopje. From being a child with very few friends, who was terrified of speaking with new people, I find myself having a quite large social circle here. And now that I only have a few months left here, I find myself being scared. Scared of what my life is going to be once I’ll have to go back home. I’m already used to having most of my friends abroad due to my past experiences in taking part in international summer seminars. But the situation now is different, I never stayed that long in a foreign country, so obviously now I got to develop a closer relationship with people. So, how will it be to go from being in a city in which you know a lot of people, to another one that despite being your “native” one doesn’t contain that many people you’re looking forward to seeing again? 

That being said, I have set some goals for myself for these last few months here. The most evident one being to stop stressing myself out about my future. I obviously want to make the most of my remaining time and I don’t want it to be ruined due to me being stuck in my head. While I cannot mention here this saying that we have with the other volunteers, I can mention another one: Life is brutal. Some of you may think that this is too pessimistic, however it is true, life can be brutal at moments, and we can just accept that not everything that we will experience in our lifetime will be pleasant or enjoyable. 

In case any of you relate in any way to my self doubts and reflections, remember exactly this, stuff happens and will happen, and it’s okay. 

Chloe Gaschy