Not too long ago, I received an email I was not expecting at all. Even though I knew I would have to face it sometime, it hit me out of the blue. Okay, not completely out of the blue but rather from one year back in time. It was a letter I had written for my future self. Taking some time to reflect on it, I realized that despite having evolved a lot over the past year, in the core I was still struggling with the very same thing that I had been writing the letter to make sure I did not: letting myself be led by the voice of fear. Therefore, my future-self of the past, also known as my current self, promised to my past self to finally tackle my greatest flaw and work on. So, here I am today to take a first step towards embracing my full self. Join me on the ride down the thought spiral of people pleasing.
People pleasing has evolved to become a widely-spread buzzword for an experience many can relate to. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that it is by no means any form of a professional diagnosis but rather a pop-psychological umbrella term for a certain set of behavioral patterns. Most often, people pleasing is described as traits and behaviors evolving around pleasing others even at the cost of one’s own needs and wishes.
The general dynamic of people pleasing allocates between personal wishes, on the one hand, and the need for external validation and the fear of rejection, on the other. Regarding people that show people pleasing tendencies the two sides are in an imbalance in favor of the latter. In other words, whenever the two sides conflict, fear wins over the self-interests. Consequently, in order to appease their own fear and need for validation, the people concerned prioritize others’ desires and wishes over their own. As a result, a certain set of behaviors can be observed in those affected that includes being overly compliant and submissive, rarely disagreeing or criticizing, apologizing excessively, and trying to maintain closeness by sacrificing oneself.
This thought and behavioral pattern is doomed to be unsustainable and destructive but due to most of it taking place unconsciously, it is hard to break out of this vicious cycle before one is not already fully absorbed in it. Even though pleasing other’s desires and wishes may cause satisfaction and validation in the moment, the behavior is more harmful than helpful if it is at the cost of one’s own needs. In the long run this path leads to nothing but sublime resentment against oneself and others as well as unhealthy dependencies.
Anxiety about perceived abandonment and perception that one’s likability is based on meeting other’s needs can take on deep, existential dimensions that make it even harder to break this pattern. The reason for this lies in the roots of people pleasing tendencies. People pleasing is widely acknowledged to be the product of unmet psychological needs, a response to trauma or a learned behavior based on social conditioning. In any case, the people concerned perceive an existential threat looming in social relations. This translates to people with people-pleasing tendencies feeling that their existence is at stake whenever they are in a social situation. In order, to ensure their existence, they feel the need to blend in with the needs of others and thereby to disappear. This dilemma cannot be solved any other way than by escaping the vicious cycle of people pleasing tendencies and the destructive thought patterns behind it.
As the roots of people pleasing reach as far as questions of being or not being, the ways to overcome its destructive nature are also quite substantial ones. When trying to break free from the vicious cycle of people pleasing, two areas need to be addressed: the superficial behavior and the underlying thought patterns. The first step in tackling the former is to reflect on your own needs and desires. Based on the findings about what is good for yourself, what you enjoy and what you simply do not want, the next step is to observe when you give these things up for the sake of other people. As a German proverb says, insight is the first step toward improvement. Once insight is mastered, the time has come to actively change your behavior. So, when you notice that you are disregarding your own needs and prioritize the ones of others, take a step back and question your motivation. If you realize that you are acting on the basis of the voice of your inner people pleaser, your voice of fear, try to put yourself in the shoes of someone who cares for you and set limits with others or speak up for yourself on behalf of them.
Alongside this work on the external manifestations of people pleasing, work on the inner implications of these behaviors is also significant. As previously discussed, people pleasing is rooted in negative self-beliefs making it seem as if one’s very existence is tied to the recognition of others. To overcome people-pleasing tendencies, it is therefore necessary to challenge these beliefs and replace them with positive ones that will ultimately nurture self-esteem and self-respect. As people pleasing is the manifestation of an existential fear, it is also a source of identity. To put it differently, it is a way in which we relate to others that shows how we relate to ourselves. In this sense, people pleasing is not a constructive and positive source of identity but a negative one that should be replaced. Rediscovering and redefining who you are may sound unclear and abstract, but, as with overcoming people pleasing tendencies it is a process: Despite being challenging, it is ultimately rewarding.
The hardest part of the journey is taking the first step – without making excuses or putting things off. For most of my life, I was stuck on thoughts like “When I grow up, all my problems will be gone”, “When I just spent a year abroad, all my struggles will be resolved”. However, even after having started to grow up and almost completed a year abroad, I cannot say that all my problems disappeared magically and that my people pleasing tendencies just solved themselves. In fact, I am still far from being done with people pleasing. I am still struggling but that is okay because what matters is that I am working on it and giving my best. I want to take my time and practice being truly kind to myself and to others, step by step and day by day. When I first realized how deeply ingrained my people pleasing behavior is in many aspects of my life, I felt sad and angry with myself. But in a way, I am also proud of myself for finding a way to deal with the struggles I was facing. Nevertheless, the time has come to break free from these self-imposed chains and move on. I hope everyone that can relate to what is written here, will read this as the first chapter of a letter to a future that is yet to be written – a letter full of healing and hope. Equipped with this knowledge, the road ahead is uncertain – in the best way possible.
Sophia Abegg
Sources:
Psychology Today – The dilemma of the people pleasing chameleon
Psychology Today – Breaking the pattern of the need to please
Psychology Today – A simple protocol to stop people-pleasing behavior
The New York Times – How to stop being a people pleaser
Psych Central – The psychology of people pleasing
Counselling Directory – People pleasing – understanding the roots and consequences
https://psychcentral.com/health/the-need-to-please-the-psychology-of-people-pleasing
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