After debating with myself for an hour, I pressed “send” and threw my phone across the bed. I immediately panicked and went to clean the whole flat, do the laundry, and maybe take my fish on a walk. Why on earth texting a person you like is so nerve-racking? An hour later, I gathered the courage to look at my phone again, kind of hoping to see their name in the notifications, kind of regretting all my life choices. There was no notification. The online green circle next to their profile picture was laughing in my face. Conan’s Gray Crush Culture softly playing in the background… you get the vibe. I should have stuck to mysteriously reading a book at the party, waiting for a beautiful stranger to fall in love with me, as good old fanfiction has taught me. What’s up with the dating scene these days anyway?

Tiktokification of dating

Remember when TikTok used to be an app for fun dances? Well, now it’s the place where you’ll hear the wildest life stories, get diagnosed with five different mental issues and get life-changing – not necessarily in a good way – advice.

I hate to admit that, but Gen Z has a problem with being chronically online. It’s the issue that comes back while talking about nearly every part of our lives nowadays, and dating is no different. Social media allows us to compare ourselves to way more people than ever. We see people younger than us achieving things that some of us can only dream about – starting your own business, buying a house, getting engaged… the list is endless. Watching all the dating stories and (seemingly) happy couples can feel like you’re the only one being single at 21, 25, 29, and that there’s something deeply wrong with you and only you.

The problem with comparing doesn’t end with just feeling bad about ourselves. It also increases the expectations for everything to crazy levels. What could make it even worse? Well… if there’s one thing that people on TikTok love, it’s definitely making up rules and theories. The viral orange peel theory – where asking your partner to peel an orange for you becomes a test for a healthy relationship – is a perfect example of how oversimplified and bizarre dating advice can get. The 3 months rule, “don’t reply too fast” game… It feels like every action in dating has a hidden strategy. And if the other person isn’t passing the tests, you should be out. Obviously, I don’t believe many people actually follow TikTok advice – I mean, hopefully – but being surrounded by content like that can put some uncertainty in our heads and prevent people from communicating properly.

The popularity of all the theories, “3 things to make him obsessed with you” advice and other magical tricks are probably a result of people being tired of failed dating experiences, and trying to find a shortcut to save them from going through all of this again. I’m not saying that all the dating tips are pointless, but the thing is: there is no shortcut to a deep, meaningful connection. I feel like we’re very quick to give up on someone because everything is a “red flag” or “ick” these days, at least according to TikTok. Don’t get me wrong, don’t stay in a toxic relationship, but also don’t avoid people based just on a few points you heard on your “for you” page instead of actually getting to know them.

What’s stopping us from finding love?

We could blame everything on social media, but there are more things affecting the dating scene in today’s world. There’s definitely a huge trend of hook-up culture going on, where non-committal attitude is normalized, and getting attached or catching feelings is sometimes even seen as a weakness. Situationships might have been the most popular “relationship” status I’ve seen in 2024, and… I’m not sure if anyone is really happy about it.

Maybe it’s because Gen Z is so afraid to be vulnerable. I mean, if you don’t open up, you won’t get hurt, right? We’re anxious and painfully aware of a relationship possibly going wrong, someone taking advantage of us or hurting us. Once again, it might be because of seeing too many examples on the internet. The fears also come from our personal experiences, because let’s be honest, we’ve probably all been hurt by someone. However, taking a risk and exposing ourselves is necessary if we want to have a deep connection.

Maybe it’s the lack of patience. In the world of instant gratification, we expect to feel the spark immediately, and give up after one or a few dates. Dating apps just fuel the illusion of unlimited options we can reach within a one button, making us feel like there’s always someone better right around the corner.

Maybe it’s the (hyper?)independence culture flooding our media, telling us that we don’t need anyone to make us happy. I love being a strong independent girlie myself, and I definitely don’t think we NEED to be in a relationship, but… I also feel like sometimes we’re trying to convince ourselves about it a bit too much. Young people give up on dating because it seems simply too pointless or even too traumatic, and prefer to focus on themselves. That’s all great, but how long is it going to be enough for us? I never really felt the need to be in a relationship myself, but the older I get, the more I think that maybe there’s some specific type of fulfillment that sharing this bond with another person gives, and maybe it’d actually be nice to go through life with someone special by your side.

Or perhaps it’s because we’re too hard on ourselves. Yes, you heard me right – I think that sometimes we try to drown out our insecurities with all the independence talk. Working on yourself is great, unless you feel like you need to achieve perfection before you get into a relationship. Someone will love me if I lose weight, someone will love me if I get prettier. Probably most of us have some insecurity that tells us that we can’t be loved. But do we love other people because they are perfect, or because they are kind, funny, comforting – the list goes on – even though they have flaws?

Future of dating

Well, it’s not a surprise that dating culture is constantly changing. After all, we’re moving forward as a society, technology is developing, and every generation is different from the last one. According to Tinder’s Year in Swipe report, in 2025 we’ll observe dating trends that should help with navigating the modern world. For me, the most interesting one is “Nano-ships”. Smile from a beautiful stranger, quick conversation in a cafe – it’s all about finding joy in the smallest romantic moments. I think Gen Z breaks the popular belief that if the connection is good, it lasts for a long time. They value short flickers of feelings as well. Appreciating situations like that makes you happier and more optimistic while looking for your forever person, so why not?

Other trends mentioned by the report is being more specific and straightforward about what we are looking for – I guess everyone is tired of situationships. And, last but not least, it points out leaving the overly formal dates and strict rules behind. Instead, singles are focusing on the spontaneity of the connection. It means anything can be a date – a hike, thrifting, art classes, you choose.

Honestly, the best way to navigate this chaos is to mess around and find out what works for you. Sure, you’ll stumble, get disappointed, and maybe cringe at our own stories, but that’s how we learn what really matters in a connection. Because somewhere in the middle of the awkward first dates, failed talking stages, and occasional sparks, you might find something real.

Anna Wojdziak

Sources:
Tinder’s Year in Swipe™ 2024
YouTube – Christina Aaliyah “gen z has a dating problem” https://youtu.be/2pPdgeHRpG8?si=2m4P6ck92RUVgtc-
YouTube – Christina Aaliyah “gen z is undateable” https://youtu.be/y09FwgU9Imw?si=jjUpP9CdMl_hGJLz
YouTube – Madisyn Brown “gen z doesn’t believe in love (situationships, orange peel theory, sprinkle sprinkle)” https://youtu.be/LZQeHUJgH_k?si=XBOsmOh7UVW87adO