The hardest part of living abroad? Well, sometimes it’s coming back.

Instead of comforting, being back home can be frustrating, confusing and depressing, especially if you didn’t miss a single thing there. Obviously, everyone goes through it differently, and I’m quite an extreme example. Despite that – or maybe because of that – I want to share my experience. We’ll talk about my feelings, random thoughts, reverse culture shock and ways to deal with it, so I hope you’re ready for a ride.

There’s so much advice on the internet about moving to a new place… but not many people mention how hard it is to come back home after a while. Your hometown has changed, but you have changed even more, and it feels like you both grew apart like childhood friends who followed their own paths. You walk the familiar streets with a kind of distance, as if you’re only half there. And worst of all, the café you used to visit regularly doesn’t have your favourite caramel toasts on the menu anymore…

All of this made my brain bring back a phrase I heard a while ago – reverse culture shock – and motivated me to look into it, hoping to find some explanation. While most people are aware that moving into a new place and culture will require some adapting, the need for re-adapting doesn’t seem that obvious.

Coming back is not just feeling like you don’t belong. Reverse culture shock comes with being more critical about your home – maybe because you remembered it as better than it was, or maybe because you’re comparing it to your life abroad. You might get exhausted with doing basic things, because you have to pay attention to the way you’re doing them, especially if the culture is significantly different. The thing I noticed the most is that places hold memories extremely strongly, and they try to bring back the old versions of me that I want to leave behind. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle to not lose the newly discovered me that I want to keep. What’s the reason behind all of this, then?

First of all, you’ve changed. Being in a new environment means you probably had to rearrange your routine, social circle or even such simple things like eating habits. To give an example, living in the Balkans made me much more social. Of course, it took some time, but from an introvert having two friends in my hometown, I turned into a person who goes out several times a week. Suddenly being around people and constantly meeting new ones – even just for a small talk or one-time coffee – became my daily life. I think there’s truly something about southern European sun that has a power to open up people, but that’s a topic for another day.

Second of all, your home has changed. You’ve probably experienced a lot during your time abroad, but through this whole time your family and friends have also been living their lives. Maybe they’ve discovered a new favourite way of making pancakes. Maybe some of them aren’t there anymore. Your hometown has changed, too. You’ll notice new places and realize you lost some of the ones you knew like the back of your hand.

If you want to add more issues to this mess, you might find yourself being more excited about sharing your abroad life stories than people are about listening to them, and the opposite – not being interested in finding out what happened at home. Being a foreigner comes with a kind of ‘celebrity’ treatment, because you’re more intriguing to local people than you are in your own country… and it’s definitely something to miss. It’s also easier to become friends with other foreigners, as you immediately have something in common to begin with. All of this means you might feel like you don’t belong back home, and have to re-adapt.

Of course, I can’t leave you without solutions, so here are some ideas. Connect with others who have similar experience, whether it’s meeting international people in your city or keeping in touch with friends you made abroad. Some of the things you can do are mentoring, starting a language exchange group or sharing your story online. Find a way to integrate your new habits and skills into your daily life, from the way you prepare breakfast, to your next career choices. This way, you’ll keep the transformed version of yourself alive. One more advice that I heard before leaving is to stay busy. Make plans you’re excited about – organize your next trip, sign up for new classes, start that hobby you’ve been postponing.

What about me? Well, I’m starting a new job in an international team this week, and a master’s degree next month. My muscles are sore from the yoga classes I found close to my home. The concert ticket to see one of my favourite artists is waiting in my inbox. I’ve looked into driving courses, and I’m thinking of volunteering at the cat shelter. I feel down most of the time, but I know I can’t pause my life because of that. And I can just hope that it gets better, because it always did in the past.

And if that feeling doesn’t go away – you can always leave again. Whatever it takes, find yourself again.

Anna Wojdziak

Sources: 

Intentional Expat – The Repatriation Blues: 5 Tips from an Expat Coach for Coping with Reverse Culture Shock https://www.intentionalexpat.com/reverse-culture-shock/

U.S. Department of State – Reverse Culture Shock – The Challenges of Returning Home https://2009-2017.state.gov/m/fsi/tc/c56075.htm